[Above, Timmy W., Rob Liefeld's latest character, Deathpanel.]

Now that I’ve finally finished eliminating the Kennedy family, it’s back to writing drivel about comics! [The "eliminations" expressed here are those of Timmy Williams only and do not necessarily reflect the eliminations of the Daily Cross Hatch or its subsidiaries--Ed.]

Meth Nerds!*

Well, somebody finally found a practical use for comic books!  I have a closet full of back issues, now I guess it’s time to fill my bathtub with something too!** Doesn’t this seem too complicated?  Why not just get an accountant?  Then you can spend all that time saved digging through back issue bins on your other hobby: MAKING DRUGS FROM COW SHIT IN A TRAILER!

Dickhead Is Dickhead To Dickhead

Now, I hate Rob Liefeld’s work.  I think it sucks.  But you shouldn’t do this.  One of this planet’s biggest problems is people devoting time to being an asshole and pissing people off rather than curing AIDS or giving little kids hamburgers.  Fuck this guy.  We should force him to get an optic surgery that makes everything he sees be impossibly angular and cartoonishly disproportionate.  That would be fair, right?

World Continues March Towards Becoming One Huge Company

I had to really restrain myself from just typing “HORSESHIT!” over and over for this paragraph.  I mean, who doesn’t want to see Goofy fight Wolverine, but whenever one huge company gets bought by an even huger*** company, an angel dies.  Or something.

I mean, I know that there’s only about five different companies on the planet, but I really enjoy the illusion that we exist in a free society fueled by competition and not in some kind of dystopian oligarchy ruled by fucking Pepsi.  The truth is, we all probably have UV ink tattoos of that blue and red ying yang in our skin and some day they’ll activate the nanomachines in our skin and BOOM!  takeover!

This seriously bummed me out!  I would say we should ask Obama for help, but he’s probably busy doing motion-capturing for “Obama: The Video Game” or something.

You know what though?  Disney also owns the Muppets, so now I can finally pitch my script Kermit/Hulk: It’s Not Easy!

*It should be noted that another link on the Daily News website mentions a “Passanger.”  Good job, New York.

The more astute amongst you have no doubt noticed a relatively recent update to tab list on top of the Cross Hatch’s homepage in the form of Upcoming Events. The page is an attempt on our part to pull together listing of indie comics-related events happening across the country.

The events are listed on the Google Calendar plug-in. More information—like address, times, and guests—can be accessed by clicking on said events.

We’re hoping the feature will become a handy little resource for everyone within the community, but, in order to keep the calendar rolling, we’re going to need some input from you. If you know of any alternative comics events in your area (we’re mainly focused on the US, but we’re certainly willing to make exceptions), please drop us a line at: crosshatchdispatch@gmail.com.

Thanks, and please help us spread the word.

–Brian H.

[Above, Timmy Williams is mentally prepared to bring you piles of cash or a mountain of pain.]

Here’s something I’d be attending if I were at Comic-Con this past weekend: Comic Book Law School: Let’s Make Lots of Money!
I really think the place of art in society is making money and selling Sprite, so I would totally be here early! I saw that on the list of panels, and, while I think there’s a place for topics like that at a con, maybe next time give it a more subtle title. Like maybe a drawing of Todd McFarlane raping Spider-Man. Just one idea.

Zachary Quinto Probably Not A Butthole
Really, with the rash of celebrities barging in and making comics that are thinly veiled attempts at movie franchises, it’s nice to hear someone say that may not be the case. Kudos, good sir, and good luck in your Spock movies.

Alaskan Citizens Accomplish Easy Task
24 hours?!? Dude. I would crank out 10 issues of Peace Man and Hippie Boy in a single science class back in fifth grade! Catch up, Alaskans! Try not to fail science though.

I Am So On Board With This Guy
Seriously. I’ve never been to Comic-Con and the montage this guy links to makes me worried that by the time I get there it’ll just be some Lindsay Lohan party or something. Seriously. He’s right, this guy. Not enough pictures of sweaty nerds dressed as characters that I wouldn’t recognize in eleven million years. I saw a video clip from the Jonah Hex movie panel and at one point Megan Fox takes off her jean jacket and everybody freaks out. Ugh. Let’s just call it
“Whores-In-Jean-Jackets-Fest” next year.

WALKING DEAD
I still love Walking Dead, but Kirkman’s already going back to the whole “mean humans killing good humans” thing after only a year away from that concept. Makes me wonder if he isn’t getting bored with people fighting zombies, which would be too bad, because I’m not. Also, he’s introduced a priest character as well as a scientist character recently, so now he can have “science vs. religion” arguments. I’m also all for that, but it’s beginning to look like maybe he should branch out with other titles. Maybe he could call them “Evil Hunters of Men” and “Is Heaven Real?” Just two ideas. Also, remember when he made that crazy ranty video blog post last August? He should make that an annual thing! Right?

RASL
The new issue of RASL is cool too. Jeff Smith has a real eye for quality and detail, so he only puts out a few issues a year. I appreciate that, and if he’s going to keep the story this good, I don’t mind waiting three months for the next chapter. The artistry and craftsmanship in RASL is well worth the wait. In issue five, a character says “you’re skin is as cold as ice.”

Oopsy! THREE MONTHS not enough to catch that one, Jeffy?!?

Title I Wish Was Indy So I Could Talk About It Here: Batman: Streets of Gotham

[Above, behold! As Timmy Williams is eaten alive by Comic-Con induced fear.]

MTV Continuing To Cater To Dumb People
Okay, so I know Comic-Con isn’t just for comic books anymore, but MTV reaching out specifically to people who don’t read them by NOT suggesting comic-related things to get them into a fun and exciting art form?  Sheesh! I guess this should be no surprise, coming from the channel that offers music for people who hate music.

It almost feels like part of another wave in the populace I’ve been feeling that really pisses me off: pretending to hate stuff just because other people like it.  I feel like people are so quick to dump things that are genuinely good once they pick up steam and get fans. Yes, America (and the world) is brimming with horseshit to dumb us down and distract us while the puppet-masters continue their reign, but shit!  Dark Knight was good!  500 million dollars doesn’t suddenly make it bad!  Good things getting popular is good!  When, for example a comic book guy you like gets a chance to reach a wider audience by increasing their circulation or trying something on TV, that’s great and we should be happy for them!  I only say something sucks, if it, y’know, sucks.  Whether or not my mom in South Dakota knows about it has no bearing on my opinion.

It really happens a lot with indie stuff.  An independent musician/comic artist/movie maker busts his or her ass off to make something they really believe in, and as soon as they hit the bigs, a bunch of assholes start griping about how they’ve lost it or that their “older” stuff is better.  I don’t get our obsession with exclusivity here.  Isn’t part of the fun of life sharing things you enjoy?  YES.  So why get off on knowing about something other people might not?  People are so insecure in themselves that they will DO ANYTHING to make themselves feel like they have an edge over others, just to feel better about themselves.  So there’s tons of douchebags Indy* wanna-bes out there looking for early or rare work by people they like, just so they can say they’ve experienced something others haven’t.  Why can’t we all listen to and read to and watch what we LIKE and just leave it at that?  So many dickheads out there, dude! Sometimes I wonder when Barry O’s just gonna say “yeah, you’re right, Timmy, too many douches” and just push the button.  He’s too busy starring in comics and killing flies to do that though.

And besides, the major point here: most of the time, that early ‘zine or mixtape is SHIT compared with their popular work.  Popular stuff is often popular for a reason**.  So go away.

Well, as of this writing, what kind of comic news has come out of SDCC?  More  celebrities writing comics!  Hooray! IDW really seems to be leading this Death March with forthcoming “work” by Jennifer Love Hewitt*** and a guy from Good Charlotte.  I’m beginning to think Gerard Way should’ve written under a pseudonym.

But seriously, good luck to these entertainers in their new ventures, and to anyone who buys their stuff: next time, just put 3 bucks in an envelope addressed to Hell and skip the middleman.

Everything is gross.

*As in “Jones,” not “-dependent.”
**That reason is normally “because the corporate oligarchy told us to like it” but it’s sometimes because it’s good (I hope).
**Yeah I know she’s not a celebrity anymore, but I’m not about to call her a “writer.”

[Above, Timmy Williams, Educational Spider-man villain?]

I know we’re right in the middle of The Great Celebrity Culling Of ‘09, but comics must be written about!
Excellent Idea Sounds Super-Duper Boring
I really am all for educational comics.  I bought one for free* at a grocery store as a kid where Spider-Man fought a caveman villain named Troglodyte who had an Illiteracy Ray or something like that.  I can’t remember what the subject was, but I’m pretty sure it was either illiteracy or cavemen.  Anyways, this economy-focused comic is a great idea coming at a great time when lots of people need to learn or re-learn fiscal responsibility** but it doesn’t sound like there will be fights, and that is a problem.  People learn better when there are fights.  See?  I just said “learn better.”  Maybe if Sister Louann had kicked my ass while teaching me English in 1st Grade, I would have said something else.***

I really think this “education with fights” thing could be applied widely, across the whole spectrum of education.  Who wouldn’t want to learn Science from two ninjas fighting with swords, or Geography from Hacksaw Jim Duggan as he body slams Ric Flair?

The only thing that might be hard to teach while fighting is the concept of not fighting.  Maybe if someone dies at the end of the fight then the victor can look at the class and say “See?  That’s why you don’t fight.”  Then he’ll eat the dead guy’s heart in front of the kids for good measure.

What the fuck was I even talking about?  Oh yeah.  Comics about the economy should have trolls fighting wolves.  The End.

Superhero Books!
Right now I’m reading Soon I Will Be Invincible by Austin Grossman.  It’s a novel about superheroes with a great perspective on villains!  Really good stuff!  I also read Superfolks by Robert Mayer a few months ago.  It’s an amazing novel from the 70s that may have been the first “superhero deconstruction” sort of story, well before Watchmen and Grant Morrison and Rob Liefeld.****  It’s very funny and has lots of boner talk.  I also will be reading Nobody Gets The Girl sometime soon.  It’s by a guy named James Maxey and has a weird introduction by Jim Shooter (called “James” here to make him sounds dignified?  I don’t know).

Anyways, I’m liking this foray into superhero fiction; novels do have advantages over comics, and the freedom of using only written words can make up for the lack of pretty pictures.  Also I can slip the book cover off on the train so it looks like I’m reading something important.

Oh, and: Tragedy Strikes!

*Or something.
**CoughMEcoughcoughcoughMEcoughfart
***I don’t even know what I am supposed to say instead of “learn better,” she didn’t kick my ass that much!
****PSYCHE!  Rob Liefeld sucks!

[Above, Timmy Williams and Brad Meltzer, allegedly.]

Photographic Proof That Brad Meltzer is Horrible

Wow, I’ve always thought Brad Meltzer was an over-rated P.O.S.*  His comics for D.C. were terrible.  Every single comic he’s ever written tries to “surprise” the reader by revealing that someone on the next page was actually saying that line from the previous page that some other character appeared to be saying, so that makes it really deep, right?  Gasp!  So in other words, Brad is using his complete misunderstanding of the art form of comics to act like he knows what he’s doing.  Rather than using actual characterization and emotion to engage the reader, he just puts words on the wrong pages.

Bravo, dipshit.

Yeah, I really hate him.  He to me is the prime of example of some big comic publisher hyping the shit out of a writer just because they’ve had success in another field.  In this case, the other field was shitty airport novels.

I thought it was bad enough that Meltzer writes his own shitty airport novels, but then I saw this poster for some other crap book with Brad’s ridiculous quote praising something that probably already has Ashley Judd and Morgan Freeman signed to bring to the big screen…

“Boneman’s Daughters doesn’t just get under your skin.  It crawls there, and nests, and raises its head with a bitter tug, like it’s living within you.”  – Brad Meltzer, abuser of the English language

REALLY<*** BRAD?  REALLY?

Not only is that unnecessarily gross, it also sounds like a 13 year-old boy’s poetry project.  It’s like a Papa Roach lyric.  Maybe Brad should get into writing cutter music like that instead of boring comics and predictable drivel for airlines to sell middle-aged divorced Minnesotan ladies on their way to New York City to “cut loose.****”

Here’s a huge problem with comics today: Idiots all over the globe write off comic books as a lower form of literature and major comic publishers take them seriously!  They believe this so much that they hire writers of “real” books to write comics thinking it will legitimize their titles and draw in new readers.  Then they go and hire these New York Times Bestseller novelists, people who just copy their own formula time after time and put new covers on it, and the American public falls for it time and time again, like goats to animal crackers.*****

We’re talking real sell-out pop star novelists.  Each “story” is just a mathematical breakdown, like a Britney Spears song, made to hook you and surprise you exactly at page 347 and blah blah blah.  Books like Meltzer and friends’ are actual lower forms of literature!  So the majors are trying to prove their books are worth reading by hiring writers who can’t write!  If the majors had some balls and just hired good writers then maybe superhero comics wouldn’t suck and Brian would let me review Spider-man once in a while and I wouldn’t have to go find Webcomics to disparage!

What’s that, you say?  Brad Meltzer lived with Geoff Johns!  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Also This Week, I Climbed a Waterfall

It was awesome.

I decided to finally get into a stack of Magic Whistle that I bought at Chicago Comics last year.  I actually first got into Sam Henderson a few years ago when a friend handed me one of his books.  You know you live in a topsy-turvy, mixed-up world when you think primitive line drawings and butt jokes are “pretentious.”  I really did think this guy was some asshole hipster at first!  Then I read it again and realized what a genius this dude really is!  Sure, who doesn’t love a good joke about people losing their asses, but on a deeper level, Henderson is actually making fun of everything.  He’s mocking our whole planet for finding this stuff funny, but on the flip side, he’s really good at making this stuff funny.  Magic Whistle is retarded retardery at it’s most retarded.  Bravo, sir.

Also fuck you Brad Meltzer.

The End.

*”Pinnacle Of Stupidity”
**It also means “piece of shit.”
***That < was supposed to be a comma but I was so upset I was just holding down shift instead of using caps lock.
****”Not leave Times Square.”
*****I was at a farm this week and discovered that goats love animal crackers!

I just wanted to start with that.  Sorry.

Actually, before we get into comics, I do have one thought about this: wouldn’t it be nice if all murderers looked like this?  It’d make the wheels of justice move waaaay more smoothly*.

Okay.  Onwards and upwards.

Stan Lee Has Terrible Idea(s)
I honestly gagged when I read this.  I always hoped this guy would retire gracefully, but unfortunately it looks like he’s following the Mick Jagger School Of Aging and is just gonna keep making garbage until he dies.

And does “POW!” really have to stand for something?  “Purveyors Of Wonder” sound like a publisher of stuff that ends up on Pete Townshend’s computer, know what I mean?

Somebody Push The Big Red “Armageddon” Button

Pete Wentz, that guy who showed his dick one time from the band Fallout Boy, has decided to copy Gerard Way.  Now, being that I was totally skeptical when Way entered comics but now think he’s amazing, maybe I should give this idiot the same leeway.  That being said, no matter whose idea this was, ain’t no way I’m ever reading a comic about a girl who runs a toy factory.  What’s his demographic, Barbie dolls?

Webcomics

So I’m continuing my webcomic education this week.  I actually found an obsessively comprehensive list at The Webcomic List.  They link to tons of different comics in many different genres, and yes I did click on “Furry Comics.”  It’s mostly just strips of cartoon foxes talking to eachother, but then I didn’t dig too deep.  The last thing I need is the image of a cartoon bear porking a cartoon duck burned into my retinas/saved on my hard drive.

This piece of sloppy immature brilliance caught my eye like nothing else this week.  It’s like psychoanalysis with crayons.  It looks like it was produced a few years ago and then abandoned but has that certain internet je nais se quois about it.   Breathtaking.  Bravo, “Buffalo Horse**.”

Everything I’ve found so far has been humor strips, or more accurately, “attempt at humor strips.”  I wanted to find something that wasn’t even trying to be funny and luckily, I stumbled upon Agitainment! Now, I think the simplicity in the art of most online comics (or the genius/retarded ransom-note style of that Lois and Clark thing) is charming, but isn’t it nice to see some classic, detail-oriented art out there?  And the stories are cool and old-timey, like they were ripped right out of that weird 50s comic I found behind some wood paneling in the old house on Park Street.****  Next I want to find something dramatic that’s not done well so I can openly mock it and drive the artist away from his chosen craft.  Because I’m a douchebag.

To properly bookend this week’s column, I Google Image Searched “Alan Moore mug shot” and this was the first result…

Why is he wet?

*Actually, let me tie this into comics real quick.  Look at that picture.  Does that scream “THE VULTURE” to anyone else?  Too bad ol’ Phil’s gonna be busy for a while.
**I’m assuming this is a pseudonym someone made up for anonymity’s sake and that this strip wasn’t designed by a Lakota war chief.***
***Wouldn’t that be AWESOME?
****Remember that?  I think it was the same day our goldfish Garfield (of the goldfish pair “Simon and Garfield”) died from overexposure to chocolate chip.

[Above, kill Timmy. Actually, don't--we have him contracted for more columns.]

Well, with this week’s entry I have officially lost count of how many editions of this column I have written!  That’s cause for congratulation, so please comment accordingly.

I didn’t get a chance to buy comics this week.  And since David Carradine is dead now anyways, does it really matter?  DOES ANYTHING MATTER?

Yes, Timmy it does!  Despite the loss of one of independent comics’ great masters* you must soldier on.  You must continue to do things like write mean things about Archie Comics the day after the Cross Hatch interviewed their CEO, annoy Alan Moore, and generally pretend you know what you’re talking about.***

Y’know, I used to draw comics in 4th through 7th grade.  They were mostly done in blue ink on white notebook paper.  I think my mom still has them.  I’ll ask her to scan them and send them to me.  With her grasp on technology, we’ll probably be reading Peace Man and Hippie Boy by 2012!  At the earliest!

Peace Man was a walking peace sign with a head that looked suspiciously like John Lennon.  His nemesis was War Guy – who looked suspiciously like Saddam Hussein (it was 1992).  My stable of characters also included Blippo The Angry Clown and a cloned caveman stuck on Mars named Grog.****  I think I was going to call my “label” Rocket Comics or some other generic thing (not that there’s too many non-generic publisher titles).

So anyways, all this thinkin about my days of just makin little strips and trying to get my mom to electronically archive them made me want to check out some webcomics!  When Brian roped me into writing an eternally tardy column for him every week, I really didn’t know much about online comics except for those funny photoshopped pictures of Xzibit…

But I finally started checking some out!  I’m gonna review a couple every once in a while.  Let’s start with Wondermark!  Wondermark is more of that “art that looks old with crazy speech balloons” style like Raw Meat or Tales Designed to Thrizzle.  I’m sure that one day that fad will be as annoying as cute little Brooklyn stores that sell t-shirts with screen prints of squids, but for now I’m a sucker.  David Malki actually uses a little bit older oldness***** than the other guys but it works beautifully!  I’m addicted.  Until I see humor like this at craft fairs, I’m in!

I also checked out Fart Party, which charmed me to no end.  despite it being another “shy girl trying to meet dudes” kind of comic strip.  I feel there are way too many of, but this one is good, and besides, that is who’s writing these things, and it is an honest, reliable and fun sense of humor.  Besides, I think some skanky lady boning everybody wouldn’t be very good…

STRIP 1:

Skanky McEasy: Hey, a dude!  Let’s bone!
Dude:  Whoooaahh yeah.

STRIP 2:
Skanky McEasy: Hey, a dude!  Let’s bone!
Dude:  Whoooaahh yeah.

STRIP 3:
Skanky McEasy: Hey, a dude!  Let’s bone!
Dude:  Whoooaahh yeah.

Okay, you get the idea.

Somebody please illustrate Skanky McEasy and let’s make millions!

*David Carradine is actually Harvey Pekar, did you know that?**
**That’s not true.  That’s just silly.
***In case you haven’t picked up on it yet, I actually have NO CLUE what I’m talking about.  Ever.
****That’s still a good idea so don’t steal it.
*****What?

[Above, L-R: Batman, Timmy Williams?, Batman.]

THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR!!!
Really?  Really?  REALLY?  First off, that dog is actually kind of ugly.  I mean it.  I know Bo was a gift from Ted Kennedy so there’s that whole “beer goggles” rule in effect, but come on.  If you’re going to shove your whole family down our throats 24/7, including the dog, at least make it easy to swallow.  Bo Obama looks like a baby disguising itself as a puppy.
And as the headline states, this whole “Obama Comics” thing is totally out of control.  I hope next up is a Malia and Sasha comic written by Garth Ennis*. And four bucks?  Shouldn’t propaganda be free?

More Great Comics That I’ll Never Be Able To Find Are On The Way

I LOVE the Muppets.  Love ‘em!  Whenever someone asks me about my influences, those fellas are always at the top of the list!  And the Electric Mayhem is honestly a great band!  I tried to figure out a way to squeeze “Can You Picture That?” into the playlist for my wedding last week**, but I just couldn’t.  Rubber foam and nuptials just don’t mix.  Maybe for the honeymoon.***
So yeah, I ‘m a big Muppets guy and have heard these new comics are brilliant but I can never find the damn things!  Why aren’t there more copies?  Do they print it on unicorn feathers?
Well, whether or not I ever get to read them, I hope they eventually feature Sweetums in his (her?) own comic.  Sweetums is one of those “guy in a suit” Muppets.  Whenever I saw one of those big things running around on the show or in the movies, I always felt bad for the actor inside.  Then as I got older I realized how high every person involved with the Muppets is and figured that the person piloting Sweetums is probably tripping their balls (boobs?) off and is getting paid for something they’d probably be doing in their free time anyways.
Boring Comic To Become More Boring


So apparently Archie and friends are old enough to get married now.  I thought they were all still in high school or something?  So what is the comic about now?  Do they have jobs and stuff?  I would love to read panel after panel of Jughead sitting in a cubicle.  And then dip my head in lava.
There’s a whole section in that article talking about what kind of person you are depending on whether you go for Betty or Veronica.  I vote Betty all the way which apparently means I’m a square or something.   Veronica is a jerk!  Why did he choose her?  I sincerely hope the next issue has Archie waking up and taking a shower and thinking “Christ, what a nightmare!  I would never marry that bitch!”  Maybe send the Archie writers on a Morrison-style**** drug binge and have them come up with some 8-issue bullshit psychedelic nonsense-ride to wipe the slate clean!  I never thought I’d be demanding a ret-con for Archie, but the world’s a twisted place.
Remember when they made them all weird and “realistic?”

He should have gone with Moose.


REVIEW: UMBRELLA ACADEMY: DALLAS #6


So I know I referenced how shitty Grant Morrison’s confusion can be some times, and I meant it, but Gerard Way has a way of being perplexing but satisfying at the same time.  His work does reference Morrison’s hey-day but also puts his own spin on it, and I don’t think he’d ever be stupid enough to kill Batman.  He does charm the ladies when he plays with KISS*****, so maybe that charisma comes into play here too and I’m just being swooned into loving this?  I don’t know.  I just know I loved the ending and can’t wait to see how things go in the third series.  Any series featuring killing-machine children, goldfish cyborgs and Vietnam has to be pretty good, right?  All in all, this issue is very confusing but in a good way.  It’s fun confusing.  ConFUNsing?  Does that work?

*That would actually be amazing.
**I got married, by the way.
***Wink.
****Jim or Grant, whichever.
*****Or whatever band that is.

[Above, Timmy Q. Williams, open-letter writer.]

An Open Letter to Alan Moore:

Dearest, dearest Alan,

I know you hate it when people talk about your books, read your books, or even look at pictures of the covers of your books on the Internet, so let me apologize in advance for discussing The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Century: 1910: The Book.  What you probably want to do is just write something, have the artist illustrate it, and then lock it away inside an indestructible canister and bury it thousands of miles below the surface of the earth, so that future alien civilizations can use your art to learn about our society.*

But you know what?  You’re a great writer and deserve discussion of your works whether you think so or not, you old grump!  So go play with your skulls in England or whatever.

I’m kidding buddy!  You’re allowed to be grumpy about how much the movies made of your books are terrible garbage, it’s true!  And I’m just glad you’re still writing because this new League book is great!  You dial up the mystery and dial down the action and it works as a great suspense story.  And even though the future of Quartermain and Mina’s relationship has been revealed in The Black Dossier, you still make her fling with “Alan Jr.” nice and creepy.  And the guy-that’s-not-you’s art is just amazing!  He has this great way of mixing realism and cartooniness and gore.  The art in this kind of reminded me of that one book you’re REALLY famous for, the one they just made into a movie with more boobs.  What is it?  Clock Team?

I gotta say though, you know way too much about old literature, sir.  Who the hell is A.J. Raffles?  I looked him up, and it was a real character, invented by the brother-in-law of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.  And I appreciate your attention to detail, even when finding old characters to include, but maybe Cookie Monster** or Jesus or someone more well-known should be in the next one.  Just sayin’.

All in all, this was a real treat, Alan. And in this day and age of publishers slipping $3.99 price tags onto 22-page toy ads***, the fact that your quite lengthy book was only eight bucks is very appreciated.  Good job!

Sincerely,
Timothy Q. Williams****

P.S.  Maybe if they let you star in the movies based on your books, would you be more okay with them?  I would really like to see that.

*From which they’ll learn that we’re obsessed with the idea of iconic literary characters fucking each other.
**I would pay a trillion dollars to see Cookie Monster in the next League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comic.
***Toy ads that I still read, by the way.
****My middle initial has been changed to protect anonymity.