Next Week’s Is Funny With Timmy Williams 6.22.09

Categories:  Next Week's Is Funny

samhendersontimmy

[Above, Timmy Williams and Brad Meltzer, allegedly.]

Photographic Proof That Brad Meltzer is Horrible

Wow, I’ve always thought Brad Meltzer was an over-rated P.O.S.*  His comics for D.C. were terrible.  Every single comic he’s ever written tries to “surprise” the reader by revealing that someone on the next page was actually saying that line from the previous page that some other character appeared to be saying, so that makes it really deep, right?  Gasp!  So in other words, Brad is using his complete misunderstanding of the art form of comics to act like he knows what he’s doing.  Rather than using actual characterization and emotion to engage the reader, he just puts words on the wrong pages.

Bravo, dipshit.

Yeah, I really hate him.  He to me is the prime of example of some big comic publisher hyping the shit out of a writer just because they’ve had success in another field.  In this case, the other field was shitty airport novels.

I thought it was bad enough that Meltzer writes his own shitty airport novels, but then I saw this poster for some other crap book with Brad’s ridiculous quote praising something that probably already has Ashley Judd and Morgan Freeman signed to bring to the big screen…

meltzersignhorrible

“Boneman’s Daughters doesn’t just get under your skin.  It crawls there, and nests, and raises its head with a bitter tug, like it’s living within you.”  – Brad Meltzer, abuser of the English language

REALLY<*** BRAD?  REALLY?

Not only is that unnecessarily gross, it also sounds like a 13 year-old boy’s poetry project.  It’s like a Papa Roach lyric.  Maybe Brad should get into writing cutter music like that instead of boring comics and predictable drivel for airlines to sell middle-aged divorced Minnesotan ladies on their way to New York City to “cut loose.****”

Here’s a huge problem with comics today: Idiots all over the globe write off comic books as a lower form of literature and major comic publishers take them seriously!  They believe this so much that they hire writers of “real” books to write comics thinking it will legitimize their titles and draw in new readers.  Then they go and hire these New York Times Bestseller novelists, people who just copy their own formula time after time and put new covers on it, and the American public falls for it time and time again, like goats to animal crackers.*****

We’re talking real sell-out pop star novelists.  Each “story” is just a mathematical breakdown, like a Britney Spears song, made to hook you and surprise you exactly at page 347 and blah blah blah.  Books like Meltzer and friends’ are actual lower forms of literature!  So the majors are trying to prove their books are worth reading by hiring writers who can’t write!  If the majors had some balls and just hired good writers then maybe superhero comics wouldn’t suck and Brian would let me review Spider-man once in a while and I wouldn’t have to go find Webcomics to disparage!

What’s that, you say?  Brad Meltzer lived with Geoff Johns!  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Also This Week, I Climbed a Waterfall

It was awesome.

I decided to finally get into a stack of Magic Whistle that I bought at Chicago Comics last year.  I actually first got into Sam Henderson a few years ago when a friend handed me one of his books.  You know you live in a topsy-turvy, mixed-up world when you think primitive line drawings and butt jokes are “pretentious.”  I really did think this guy was some asshole hipster at first!  Then I read it again and realized what a genius this dude really is!  Sure, who doesn’t love a good joke about people losing their asses, but on a deeper level, Henderson is actually making fun of everything.  He’s mocking our whole planet for finding this stuff funny, but on the flip side, he’s really good at making this stuff funny.  Magic Whistle is retarded retardery at it’s most retarded.  Bravo, sir.

Also fuck you Brad Meltzer.

The End.

*”Pinnacle Of Stupidity”
**It also means “piece of shit.”
***That < was supposed to be a comma but I was so upset I was just holding down shift instead of using caps lock.
****”Not leave Times Square.”
*****I was at a farm this week and discovered that goats love animal crackers!

2 Comments to “Next Week’s Is Funny With Timmy Williams 6.22.09”

  1. Heather | June 23rd, 2009 at 11:21 pm

    Timmy!
    Long time lurker, first time commenter…

    Anyway, I love your articles!

    I’m done.

  2. Kevin Allen Jr. | June 24th, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    David Mack also does that narrator/dialog shifting thing. It drives me a up a wall.